Amazon is selling a $9,000 Swiss army knife, and the reviews are everything

Have you ever wanted to magnify a mineral crystal while simultaneously pointing a laser and picking something out from between your teeth? No? Well, now you can anyway.

Someone is selling a singular multi-tool army knife on Amazon that boasts 87 implements and 141 functions. This Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant is the perfect extravagant gift for any handyman or someone who wants to scale a fish at a moment's notice. But only if you have almost $10,000 to spend on said person. 

alt Credit: Wenger/Amazon

And while this knife has almost countless functions, you might not be able to lug it around with you everywhere you go, as it weighs a whopping seven pounds. The absurdity of this huge take on a tiny, convenient tool isn't lost on those who have stumbled across the Amazon page.

And their comments are hilarious. One fan joked that the advanced knife ordered itself. Another wrote: "I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was near by. Which was nice."

Still another said:

"When I forgot to take it out of my backpack before trying to board my flight the helpful TSA agent at the security area pointed out that by deploying the two larger blades and the jet engine on the back side I really didn't need a commercial flight, just a runway and some goggles. Boy, did I feel dumb, but I saved $605 on airfare!"

alt Credit: Amazon

Michael Katachanas wrote that they only found one bug with the knife: "Only shame is that the unicorn toothbrush does not operate properly when used at the same time with the parachute. (Sent from my Wenger 16999)."

The question and answer section for the product is even better. When one user asked if the knife could core an apple, someone answered: "Of course it can, but the apple-corer blade is accessible only if you use it immediately after the bagpipe bladder stitch removal cumberbutton and before using the panda baby spoon."

alt Credit: Amazon

Someone who asks to see a photo of the knife closed received another sarcastic response: "No. Unfortunately, closing the knife brings too much mass into one location causing the formation of a small black hole. This is not covered by the warranty."

And just in case you wanted to know every function the Wenger 16999 has, check out the full list below:

  • 2.5-inch 60% serrated locking blade
  • Nail file
  • Nail cleaner
  • Corkscrew
  • Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter
  • Removable screwdriver bit adapter
  • 2.5-inch blade for Official World Scout Knife
  • Spring-loaded, locking needle-nose pliers with wire cutter
  • Removable screwdriver bit holder
  • Phillips head screwdriver bit 0 Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
  • Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
  • Flathead screwdriver bit 0.5mm x 3.5mm
  • Flathead screwdriver bit 0.6mm x 4.0mm
  • Flathead screwdriver bit 1.0mm x 6.5mm
  • Magnetized recessed bit holder
  • Double-cut wood saw with ruler
  • Chain rivet setter
  • Removable 5mm
  • Allen wrench
  • Screwdriver for slotted and Phillips head screws
  • Removable tool for adjusting spokes
  • 10mm Hexagonal key for nuts
  • Removable 4mm curved allen wrench with Phillips head screwdriver
  • Patented locking screwdriver
  • Universal wrench
  • 2.4-inch springless scissors with serrated self-sharpening design
  • 1.65-inch clip point utility blade
  • Phillips head screwdriver
  • 2.5-inch clip-point blade
  • Clubface cleaner
  • 2.4-inch round tip blade
  • Patented locking screwdriver
  • Cap lifter
  • Can opener
  • Shoe spike wrench
  • Divot repair tool
  • 4mm Allen wrench
  • 2.5-inch blade
  • Fine metal file with a precision screwdriver
  • Double-cut wood saw with ruler
  • Cupped cigar cutter with double honed edges
  • 12/20-gauge choke tube tool
  • Watch case back opening tool
  • Snap shackle
  • Mineral crystal magnifier
  • Compass
  • Straight edge, ruler (in./cm)
  • Telescopic pointer
  • Fish scaler
  • Hook dis-gorger
  • Line guide
  • Shortix laboratory key
  • Micro tool holder
  • Micro tool adapter
  • Micro scraper (straight)
  • Micro scraper (curved)
  • Laser pointer with a 300-foot range
  • Metal file
  • Metal saw
  • Flashlight
  • Micro tool holder
  • Phillips head screwdriver 1.5mm
  • Screwdriver 1.2mm
  • Screwdriver .8mm
  • Fine fork for watch spring bars
  • Reamer
  • Pin punch 1.2mm
  • Pin pinch .8mm
  • Round needle file
  • Removable tool holder with an expandable receptacle
  • Removable tool holder
  • Special self-centering screwdriver for gunsights
  • Flat Phillips head screwdriver
  • Chisel-point reamer
  • Mineral crystal magnifier
  • Small ruler
  • Extension tool
  • Sping-loaded, locking flat nose needle-nose pliers
  • Removable screwdriver bit holder
  • Phillips head screwdriver bit 0
  • Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
  • Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
  • Flathead screwdriver bit 0.5mm x 3.5mm
  • Flathead screwdriver bit 0.6mm x 4.0mm
  • Flathead screwdriver bit 1.0mm x 6.5mm
  • Magnetized recessed bit holder
  • Tire tread gauge
  • Fiber optic tool holder
  • Can opener
  • Patented locking screwdriver
  • Cap lifter
  • Wire stripper
  • Reamer
  • Awl
  • Toothpick
  • Tweezers
  • Keyring

If you find yourself constantly without the right tool to fix something you never knew needed fixing, this knife might be for you. Otherwise, stick to the comment section.